Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
