Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
Well, it's 24 hours till finals. I need high A's on all of them and I still am not sure where exactly on campus most of my classes took place.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Randomize
