she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
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