i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
