Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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