how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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