Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
i wonder if she gts uncomfortable walkin bu when she knows we all know what her pussy tastes like
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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