i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
