she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
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