Midget sex pt 2 tonight
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
