I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
