Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
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