stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
