My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
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