Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
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