why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
