Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Randomize
