You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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