Your face is a jimmy john
My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
I am mentally ready for anal.
Randomize
