is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
