You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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