this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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