the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
