fuck your aforementioned shoe
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Randomize
