It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Randomize
