I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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