My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Randomize
