ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
Randomize
