I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
