She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
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