we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
Randomize
