like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
Randomize
