Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
and she was petting her beer can
I think youre just another guy trying to take advantage of a young naive innocent girl
you're not innocent... Once you have taken it in the turd cutter you can't label yourself innocent.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Randomize
