Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
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