my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
Randomize
