I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
i think i have herpe
just one?
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
