I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
I wish I only lived at night.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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