I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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