Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
This is the high leading the old right now
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
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