When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
Randomize
