Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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