Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
well most of my day revolves around power hour
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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