My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Randomize
