I just cut my nipple shaving
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
Randomize
