apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Randomize
