Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
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