He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
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