3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
If that was your dad, he is hot
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
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