Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
Randomize
