So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Randomize
