I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Randomize
