he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
