i permit you to call me
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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