Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
